Escalator Surfing; Extreme Parenting For Beginners

It seems having a sore arse from unusual exercise bike activity wasn't enough for me. Oh no. I like to take things to the max. Do the job properly. If you're going to hurt yourself, really hurt yourself.

Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to the cinema for a treat. All of a sudden on the way in, for no apparent reason that I can see, Kid-the-youngest starts screaming that she's afraid of escalators. This is news to me, and by the time I've realised that she's not coming with us, I'm half way up the damn thing and had to clamber down the up escalator to reach her. We nearly missed the film because of the histrionics.

Anyway, film watched, declared a success all round and it's time to go back down. I know this is going to be tricky so I ask Kid Number 1 and Kid-in-the-Middle to go down first so that I can concentrate on coaxing The Reluctant One onto it. Kid-in-the-Middle leaps on while Big Brother announces that he's suddenly afraid of them too. I end up yelling at him to just please do as he's told because now his sister is alone in a sea of milling people at the bottom!

Finally, I try to get Miss Panickypants on and down. I can't carry her because my back isn't up to it, but I talk, calmly and get her to hold my hand, take a step onto the escalator with me and we're off. Except we're not because she's jumped back off it again while clinging on to my trousers. I lose one shoe, and the leg that isn't still at the top of the escalator is now being repeatedly battered by the moving metal stair. Little Miss Frenzy is having a full blown panic attack at the thought of being left alone and grabs my hair. I'm still trying to haul myself up the down stairs without dragging her down with me, when someone asks me if I'm alright. No hand to grab, just asks me if I'm ok and steps over me. Sure, I'm fine. One leg is bleeding, the other feels like it has been wrenched out of place, I have a lump of hair missing, one bare foot and a screaming child. No problem at all matey. And I still had to get said banshee down the bloody escalator.

So now, as well as having a bum that feels like someones been making me sit on red hot pokers, I also have a lovely three-lane gash down one leg, while the other, already knee-creakingly dodgy leg feels like it could fall off any second. My left tit is black and red with bruising - that's going to look attractive when it turns yellow and green - and it seems that I might have been walloped one in the jaw by Princess Panic.

All in all, kids are fine, I will be too, and I've been consoling myself with other people's misfortune by googling Escalator Surfing on YouTube. Schadenfraude is a wonderful thing. Lesson to be learned from all this? The ratio of 1:3 where 1 is the adult and 3 is the number of children is a good indicator that STAYING HOME is the preferred choice of activity.

Today I'm wearing:

Slouchy jeans that are actually just a bit too big, size 18

Cream and silver smock top, size 16

Cream flouncy cardigan, size 12 (I've had it years and it's not really a size 12 anymore. Perhaps it will shrink back with me?)

Leather beaded flipflops

Pearl and shell rope twist from Avon, Cream and pink cameo earrings from asda, brass bangles from market stall somewhere.

Lippy and mascara and sunscreen.

I'm now down one pair of brown linen trousers, unless I can convert them to 3/4 length trouser. If I'm to believe everything that Trinny and her pal say, this would be a bad idea. Linen dusters anyone?