Top Shopping! And a change of focus?

A friend mentioned that she'd been reading here, and that, coupled with something else I'd said to her, made her realise that I'd lost four stone. That fact had eluded me too. Mainly because I'd been denying that I'd ever been that heavy at all, and was really only counting down in my head from about thirteen stone. But losing that much is something of an achievement and I think I can take a few moments out of my hectic schedule to feel pretty damned pleased with myself!

But now that I'm done beaming, I find myself staring at a couple of problems. Not awful problems. Lots of people would be pleased to have such problems. Perhaps I should call them "issues" instead. Everyone has issues!

Losing four stone is great. I've chucked out all my size 18 to 20 stretchy waistbands and I'm now in a place where I can go into normal shops, even trendy shops, and be fairly sure that they'll sell things that will fit. This has been something of a revelation. For so long now my wardrobe has consisted of a vast swathe of George at Asda.

At first I argued that it was because it was convenient to shop for clothes at the same time as bagging the bread, milk and a Sunday joint, but gradually I had to admit that it was a kind of comfort blanket. I could shove something in the trolley and put off finding out if it looked hideous or not until I was safely at home in my bedroom. With the curtains drawn. And the staff didn't look at me as though I didn't belong; they were all shapes and sizes safely hidden behind a ghastly green nylon uniform and had no reason to look askance at me. Topshop was positively terrifying in comparison and so I stopped going there. Or anywhere else really.

So, it has been having great fun in the last few weeks replenishing my wardrobe by actually going out to shops. Clothes shops. Amazingly, no alarms sounded off as I entered; no security guard insisted on escorting me back out for the crime of having been around too long, or for having too much cellulite. Of course, most of the sales assistants look like they should still be in full time education and a great deal of what passes for fashion out there can only be worn by the sort of woman who hasn't hit puberty yet but so it ever was. No, this is not the "issue".

The issue is, or at least, one of the issues is, that I don't know what suits me any more. My shape has changed so completely since the days when I last really enjoyed clothes and shopping. My confidence has been hit so many times it's practically liquid so now I need to know what "suits" because I no longer have that "chutzpah" that allowed me to wear ridiculous things in my youth with panache so that even things that didn't look good still somehow worked as a statement.

I have tried on literally hundreds of garments over the last few weeks and while it has been huge fun in some respects, it has also been quite frustrating. When I was young and skinny all over with no boobs, no waist and no hips, I had a pretty good idea of how something would look on me just by holding up the hanger. When I was at my largest, what it looked like wasn't so much of an issue, so long as it covered everything. But now, well now I have this new shape and I'm not quite sure how to dress it sometimes. I hate to say it but I could do with Gok!

I have boobs now for a start, but because my tummy area has diminished they look like a separate part instead of being a big homogenous lump that started under the chin and ended around the knees somewhere. But I still don't think I really go in at the waist that much (and my "waist" seems to be much higher up my body than on other people). Does this make me a pear shape? I'd have laughed at that idea when I was younger. But I carry most of my weight around my tum. I think. You see? I have no clue! I'd always assumed that I was an apple but now I really do not know.

So the shopping has been a bit hit or miss. I'd pick things up and think they'd look good only to gasp in horror. Which means I've probably ignored some things that might have looked great! All in all though, I'm pleased with this new wardrobe. It has items from a variety of sources (yes, even Topshop, that supposedly hallowed ground for the uber-cool youf of today) and covers every day scruffs to smart casual, dressy and even quite posh things. Which brings me to issue two. How much more weight to lose, given that I've just splashed out vast sums of cash on things that fit me now?!

You see, I've been here before. And last time, my competitive streak got the better of me and I just kept on dieting and kept on losing weight until I was contemplating whether or not to go down to size 6 jeans or not. And I was as pleased as punch, because I'd beaten my target by a lot and was continuing to beat it on a daily basis. Only I hadn't realised how dreadful I looked at that weight - really, really ill. I don't want to go there again.

Could it be that I'm finally reaching some sort of acceptance? This body isn't ever going to be the same again, and it's certainly never going to be the smooth, toned body that it was in my twenties. I've had too many operations, leaving too many scars, too many children and too many diets. But dressed right, it doesn't look so awful any more and in the right light can look quite reasonable. So am I done dieting then? And if so, do I stop (the very sporadic) blogging?

I think I'm almost done with the diet. Another half stone would push me further into that healthy weight band and allow my existing clothes to fit even better without being too big. And then I can concentrate on my health and fitness rather than just my girth.

As for the blog, well it occurs to me that while I might have rediscovered my thinner self, I haven't done much work on my "inner" self. I'm not sure I've really explored that "me" in the Blog title. I've been existing, battling with family issues, trying to stay one step ahead of depression and dieting but that's about it. I think it's time to start living again and learning and having some adventures. So perhaps the blog title should change and the focus of my writing should be on gaining some things in my life instead of just losing!


Starting weight: 14 Stone 11 lbs
Current weight: 10 Stone 11lbs
Total Lost: 4 Stone

Today I'm wearing:

khaki trousers - River Island - size 12
Pink camisole - Topshop - Size 12
Black cardigan - M&S - size 12
Black suede boots - George at Asda